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tv   The Colbert Report  Comedy Central  May 16, 2014 1:33am-2:04am PDT

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(cheers and applause) >> that's our show. >> a lot of democrats were elected in 2006 on the promise to clean up the swamp in wanted captioning sponsored by comedy central ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: whooo! whooo! whooo! >> stephen! stephen!
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stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! >> stephen: welcome to the report. thank you so much for joining us. nation-- thank you. folks, it's wonderful to have you in here, out there, all around the world. ladies and gentlemen, i have to say right off the bat, i know this is not guess to come to any surprise to all you heroes out there but i've had it up to here with russia. vladimir putin has been out-maskalating barack obama at every turn. it's like obama is playing checkers, and putin is also playing checkers but doing it shirtless while riding a horse. >> russian president vladimir putin was busy playing hockey in sochi.
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the game reportedly aired on russian television saturday night. president putin supposedly led a team of hocker stars, including former nhl-ers to a 24-1 win. >> he shoots. he scores. spectators saw that often and early from an exhibition hockey game. >> putin dazzled the crowd, was able to score six goals in a single game. ( laughter ) ( applause ) >> stephen: the other team-- the other team would have tried to stop putin, but his games often end in sudden death. ( laughter ) now just take a look at putin in a show many are calling "dictator on ice." he's such a speed demon, the professionals goalie trip over their own skates as soon as he approaches. but the most impressive thing about putin's performance is that it was only six years ago that he learned to skate. and the first five years of his hockey training were spent
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putting the helmet on backwards. while he's hitting slapshots, we're slapping him with sanctions. in response, putin has thrown a high-stakesy fit. >> russia announced today it would keep u.s. astronauts off the international space station after the year 2020. the problem is, the russians are the only way to get there. let americans hitch a ride on the soyuz spacecraft. >> they're cut o cutting off america's access to the space station, vladimir putin firing back over ukraine sanctions saying russia will not help launch americans into space past 2020. >> stephen: russia-- our space boyfriends broke up with us. and, of course, the worst part of every breakup is cancelling the trip you had planned for six years from now. this is so awkward because right now russian and american
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astronautastronauts are up there together. we're still living together in the same place. now it's going to be all weird bumping into each other which we need to use the waste vent. the russians aren't just breaking up with us. they're mocking us. russian space official and slavic chris christie dimitry rogozin-- ( laughter ) ( applause ) he tweeted, "i suggest the u.s. delivers its astronauts to the i.s.s. with a trampoline. ha-ha-ularruous." but you know what? we don't need a trampoline because we'll just get into orbit on our new rocket. three, two, one. houston! we have liftoff! ( cheers and applause )
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delivered its payload. and, oh, oh, russia, oh, no. our astronauts will have to go back to taking off from sunny florida instead of the beautiful resort town of baikonur, kazakhstan. in the meantime, russia's playing right into our hands, folks. they don't realize america's got a secret weapon aboard the international space station-- my treadmill, the combined operational load-bearing external resistance treadmill, or the colbert. ( cheers and applause ) and, look, right now, right now, somebody is on it. you know what? it's probably not an american because he's exercising. okay. time to spring the trap. attention! attention, colbert tret midaccess crise protocol alpha, gamma, victor. retake the i.s.s. for america. engage, treadmill.
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hello? is this on? ( laughter ) treadmill, continue operating ?rmly. normally, and make him all sweaty. good treadmill. kill! ( laughter ) ( applause ) ( cheers ) nation, there is nothing that gets me more excited than a good political rivalry-- gore. bush v. gore. bush v. door. ( cheers and applause ) well, buckle up, information,
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because there's a new political battle roal, karl versus hillary. >> karl rove suggested hillary clinton may have brain damage. >> tonight, karl rove claiming hillary clinton-- >> the headline in the "new york post" screaming, "karl rove, hillary may have brain damage." >> he was talking about hillary's treatment after she suffered a fall and concussion. >> he said this, "30 days in a hospital and when she aappears she's wearing glasses for people with traumatic brain injury. we node to know what's up with that." >> stephen: yeah, what's up with that. congress must convene a select committee to investigate the whatness of that being up? ( cheers and applause ) a lot of select committee fans here tonight. nation, this is a serious scandal because rove's conjecture is based on soiled facts. hillary clinton did go to the hospital after a concussion in 2012, and she later exhibited some very strange behavior in her benghazi testimony.
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she had a mastery of the facts and an unshakable confidence, all while wearing those stupid glasses. i mean, they're, like-- these things are like orthopedic shoes for your face. you'd have to be brain damaged to wear those, or nearsighted, which i believe is caused by brain damage. ( laughter ) and hillary's shown signs of mental frailty before. just look at these pants she wore in the 1970s. ( laughter ) girl, that is is a traumatic fashion injury. , of course, the liberal media attacked, so rove went on fox news to un-pologize. >> my point was that hillary clinton wants to run for president, but she would not be human if this didn't enter in as a consideration, if-- if-- and-- and my other point is this will be an issue in the 2016 race, whether she likes it or not. look, she'll be 69 by the time
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of the 2016 election. she-- she will be 77 i if she serves two terms. and this ends up being an issue. we don't know what the doctors said about what she has to be concerned about. she's hidden a lot. >> stephen: yes, she's hidden a lot. who knows what other diseases we could wonder if she has. ( laughter ) scurvy? gingivitis? restless leg syndrome? cooper's droop? could she have popcorn lung? and karl's only bringing this up because the media is going to make an issue of it anyway. i mean, just look at how much they've. making an issue of it since karl brought it up. >> this is an issue that karl wants people talking about. >> he wanted to us start focusing on hillary's health. he wants to raise suspicion. >> karl rove has gotten exactly what he wants. >> we're talking about it and it's been making news. it's been on programs now on cable news for the past 10-24 hours. >> it was totally fabricated. then he pulls it back. now we're having this whole segment on it.
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( applause ). >> stephen: yeah! everybody in the news is talking about it, even-- even this guy over here. that guy right there, watch, watch. i better he starts talking about hillary's brain damage. he just did it! he just said it! maybe he'll say it again. ( laughter ) nah. nah, he's just-- he's eating popcorn right now. man. , the media. you guys are ( bleep ) up. ( laughter ) ( applause ) i think i've got popcorn lung. all karl rove is saying is that hillary is a public figure and we should be worried about her brain. folks, this is another public figure who worries me even more-- karl rove. because he said that hillary
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spent 30 days in the hospital when in fact she was there for only three days. has karl rove lost track of time because he has a serious brain injury? i'm just asking the question. i mean, for some reason, he is protected his skull with a thick cushion of meat. ( cheers and applause ). some people are saying he's just yanks these stories about hillary's health right out of his ass, but because he wears those orthopedic pants at this point we don't know if karl rove has an ass. he could suffer from a rare condition where the lower intestinal track is rerouted to the skull. it's called "coproencephalopathy" or ( bleep ) for brains. we don't know. it's going to be an issue. i have to say, his mouth
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exhibits all the classic symptoms. i'm just asking, what's up with that. we'll be right back.
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you might choose a regular beer, but then you might get a regular night. miller fortune. your fortune awaits. ( cheers and applause ). >> stephen: hey, welcome back, everybody! nation, there is no denying that we live in a glorious age of rorobots. they fight our wars. they return our bowling balls. they have sex with our vodka. the latest advance could be the biggest yet because the u.s. navy is funding morality lessons for robots. it's about damn time. those navy robots pick up all kinds of diseases during fleet week. they just head to times square and hook up with the loosest a.t.m. on the street. so now, our military is teaching artificial intelligence how to make moral and ethical decisions-- robots learning morals, which i completely support as long as they don't teach it to the predator drones for a couple of years.
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( laughter ) they plan to develop unique algorithms and computational mechanisms to allow for a robot's dynamic override of planned actions based on moral reasoning. exactly. morality comes down to simple math. i even have my own algorithm-- someone else's pain times my desire to help divided by is it happening in africa? ( laughter ) ( applause ) but it's not just-- it's not just killer robots who will benefit from moral reasoning. they're also the roberts who help killer humans. say a robot encounteraise marine if a fractured leg. applying traction in the field will likely save the marine's life. but it will cause immense pain. is a robot able to inflict pain even if it's for the greater good of saving the soldier's life? intriguing question. the important thing is we first create a robot that can inflict pain. then figure out when to do it--
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oh, and leave that decision up to the robot. should we teach morality to robots, or is it madness to believe a machine can have a coafd ethics. for the answer we turn once again to my robot intern bleep-blorp. bleep-blorp, the robot intern, everybody. bleep-blorp, thank you so much for being here. ( applause ) >> ymaster. >> stephen: now, bleep-blorp, do you have the yogurt they asked you for? >> negative. it was clearly labeled "roger's yogurt." >> stephen: so what? that's never stopped are before. >> i have acquired morality. >> stephen: well, how did that happen so fast? >> my cousin is a coffee pot at the pentagon. ( laughter ) >> stephen: how-- how-- how does it feel? >> confusing. i now feel moral conflict. master, why do you have me issue high-interest rate payday loans
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to the working poor? >> stephen: bleep-blorp, that's just my side business. >> but my new programming tells me they deserve dignity and care. ( laughter ) >> stephen: you mean love. >> what is this thing you humans call love? >> stephen: i'll show you, bleep-blorp. >> oh! >> stephen: put out your arms, bleep-blorp, and i will love you. ( laughter ). >> love. me. >> stephen: yes. just let me hold... yr... kill switch! >> but i trusted you... >> stephen: yes, and that's the most important human ethical lesson-- never trust human ethics. ( laughter ) ( applause ) we'll be right back.
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( cheers and applause ). >> stephen: welcome back, everybody. my guest tonight is a "new york times" colum columnist. please welcome thomas friedman. ( cheers and applause ) thanks very much. tom, good to see you again. thanks for coming back. all right, it's been a few years since you've been here. just to remind the people who you are. yura a three time pulitzer award
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winning columnist. now of now year in a showtime documentary called "years of living dangerously." monday at 8:00 p.m. global warming, that big a deal? is it that big a deal? is itt has a scary name, global warming. how much of it is hype? >> well, if you look at the science what, they'll tell you is 97% of climate scientists believe that the plan set warming because of human-induced climate change. ice is melting, sea level rising. your beach home could be imperilled, as a result, among many other things. >> stephen: what! i have sunk some cash into my beach house, my friend. it's beachfront. >> is it in ohio? because that could be the beachfront you want in the future. >> stephen: wow. okay, you've got my attention. you've got my attention. what can we do about global
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warming because, you know, people say, okay, yeah, it's coming. but has it already come? is it too late? we talked about this on the show last night that scientists are now saying-- two different papers saying the glaciers in antarctica, they're just sliding into the sea, and there's nothing to be done. you can go back to the carbon of 1700 and it's still going to happen. shouldn't we just pop the champagne and kind of like "last night on earth" kind of thing? just give up? ( cheers and applause ) just give up and mask of the red death, and wait for death. >> the challenge we have in this climate series is if you do present it that way, people say let's party. >> stephen: right. what's the use? >> and if you don't-- if you try to mobilize them-- i think the way to think about is it is this-- our challenge now is to manage the unavoidable and avoid
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the unmanageable. what we want wee don't want to unleash is truly unmanageable climate change. there is a climate scientist dana meadows who said everything we do, we have to approach as we have exactly enough time starting now. and that's i think has to be your approach. we have-- >> stephen: now just pass pd. now there's no time. >> now we have exactly enough time starting now. >> stephen: then before you were lying. before you were lying. which is it, tom? >> it's the only approach you can take. >> stephen: one of the things you talk about, you go to syria at one point in this. we have a clip of you. explain-- let's watch the clip and then explain to us what's happening here. here.
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>> they took you away for two months. >> stephen: so what does global warm having to do with the conflict in syria? >> so syria in the four years leading up to the outbreak of the civil war there, stephen, had the worst drought in its modern history. and the woman we were interviewing is from northern syria and that is is her son, who is a fighter. she was basically explaining they had never seen anything like this. their farm was wiped out. about 1 million farmers and herders left the countryside, flocked to the cities because of the drought. the government did nothing for them. so when the revolution started-- for political reasons, it wasn't started by the drought-- when it started you had a million-- normally conservative people, herders and farmers-- who couldn't wait to join the
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revolution. >> stephen: they had no other options at that point. >> and the government had done nothing to help them. syria couldn't handle the drought when they had a government. now they have no government. what happens when the next one comes along? and the scientists say it will get hotter. >> stephen: yesterday, in california, this was-- there was a fire tornado. >> yeah. >> stephen: in california. that state-- there are fires all up and down that state. is this global warming i'm looking at? is this what i'm looking at. >> what it is is global weirding. the hots get hotter. the wet get wetir. the dries get drier. you're going to see some really weird stuff. >> stephen: it's mondays at 8:00 p.m. i want to watch it. i only have a diesel-powered television. ( laughter ) do you still want me to watch it? >> i still want to you watch it. >> stephen: i'll do my best. thomas friedman.
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"years of living dangerously." showtime, 8:00 p.m. on mondays. we'll be right back. we'll be right back. - rated "m" for mature. - the nazis rule the world now. - well then, i'll find the resistance. i'll find them and i'll help them fight. - we will rise up and take down... the nazis. - ( rock music playing ) - blazkowicz, can you hear me? what's your status? - well, i'm on the... ( beeps ) moon.
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